Skeptics and Believers.

I’m glad that you came out and said most of what those posts said, and explained more what they meant, without me coming out and saying I found them. I really feel like you were honest with me, the tone of your voice and your body language help me believe that you made those posts awhile ago. Looking at your behavior now, I see that is different than how it might have been when those posts were relevant. I’m sorry that I read them, I’m sorry I found that blog. And I’m sorry that for a split second when I was reading them that I didn’t trust you. I trust you now. I trust you when you said you’ll start talking about me more. I trust you when you said that the text I read was a lapse in judgment and really stupid. I trust you when you said you aren’t keeping me a secret and you’re not ashamed of me. I trust you when you said that you guys are really close, and that nothing will ever happen there and that the love is more platonic than anything else and that she’s not really type. I trust you when you said you wouldn’t leave me for her if her and her boyfriend break up. I trust you when you said that you noticed things were crossing some lines so you pulled back, and are continuing to pull back. And I also trust you when you said that they weren’t crossing into relationship, but just going a bit over friendship.

I trust of all this, and I trust you.

I really hope that all you said this morning about loving me, and not leading me on is true. I hope you aren’t just saying that because things with the other girl are confusing you. I hope you’re saying that because you really do love me. Because after what I read last night, I can’t be sure. And what you said this morning really gives me hope for our future. The one you said you want to have with me.

You told me why you love me. You told me that you need to put more focus on me sometimes. You told me you’re happy. You told me you wouldn’t lead me on if you felt something for someone else. You told me there is no one else.You told me you love me. You told me you’re excited for the future.

And yet what I found says otherwise. 

Apparently there was some truth to what she said.

And now I feel like I’ve been made a fool of.

“You make me so happy, even if I don’t always seem like it.”
“I don’t want to break up. I want to fix this.”
“You’re someone I can see a future with.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I love you.”

Are these all things you tell me just because, or is your heart actually in this? Because I found some things tonight that make me wonder if we both have the same things in mind. I read that you don’t love me, and probably won’t. I read your feelings for another girl. I read that you wanted me to accept the break you offered. And I read that you don’t think we’re happy, and that neither of us will end this because of what’s riding on the relationship. I wasn’t aware anything was. I read that you held hands and cuddled with someone else. Are your emotions really in this? Because the sweet words I clung to to make me feel better seem like lies now. And I don’t know what’s the truth. You didn’t seem like this kind of person, and you still don’t. Well done, sir. This is a poker face Lady Gaga is jealous. I’m sure you’ll be hearing from The Academy soon, so have your acceptance speech prepared.

Please tell me this is from a long time ago. Tell me this is from a few months ago, and that it doesn’t matter anymore. Tell me this isn’t real.

Even now. You probably texted him something about the conversation we had that he’ll read when he wakes up or something. And it’s so baffling. Because you said that we don’t have to just talk about serious things. And I asked if you had anything you wanted to talk about. And you just said no. Like it’s so easy to not talk to me. And it must be. Because you haven’t done it in awhile.

It’s not really fair that if I’m doing something that upsets you, it’s something I have to work on and fix and it’s a huge deal. Yet when I tell you you’re doing something that is upsetting me, you act as if it’s no big deal and tell me not worry about and calm down. It’s like you think you don’t have things you have to change, and that’s not really friendship at all. I’m upset because I feel like you don’t talk to me anymore, because you don’t. I go to you with everything and you don’t even act like you care half the time. And you used to go to me all the time, and now I have to find things out on tumblr. And when you did come to me, I tried to offer the best advice I could and help you reach a good conclusion. You say you don’t talk to anyone anymore because you don’t want to “drag things on” well talking doesn’t drag things on. If anything bottling it up does.

I can’t shake the fact that you probably tell more to my boyfriend than you do to me. Do you know what that feels like? Probably not. Because I tell you everything.

I don’t understand why I feel this way.

It feels like I’m competing for his attention, which is stupid because I’m the one who should have a good portion of it. But he just texts and texts away even when I’m sitting right next to him after not seeing him for a week, or more than a week sometimes. But it never used to be this way. I used to wake up in the morning and have 5 or 6 or 7 unread texts, all from him. He used to text me novels. And I loved every word. But now it just feels robotic, like he’s answering because he has to. The other day he had a few texts from one of his friends, each one contained something different. He read every text, and sent one long message back, replying to each part. He doesn’t do that to me anymore. He replies to the latest one, and all the others get lost and the questions in them go unanswered until I bring it up again. It feels like his heart isn’t in it anymore. He doesn’t even respond to the flirty banter I want to start, at least not the way I’d like. I get that he’s busy. And right now he’s sick. But he lets other people feel his warmth.

And I’m left out in the cold.

Did you ever not feel like a whole person, because you think your heart is somewhere else?

Like you’re stuck in one place, while longing to be somewhere else, and it makes you feel kinda empty?

I feel that way. I’m not saying I’m in love, because I’m not.

I’m just saying my heart wants to be New York.

I feel like fate is bringing me there.

I long for New York.

So you just want to be friends. But then you call me hun again and make promises to see me soon and say you miss me. I honestly don’t get it.

I know you’ve been talking to other girls though. Because you tried talking to a friend of mine. In your defense you didn’t know we were friends. But still.

I don’t understand.

Where are we going? Can we take this somewhere good please? I just…want to be with you.

Because I miss you too.

And everyone wonders why I don’t let people in.